Hey kids, smoking is cool!

I’m addressing this to young people.  If you’re not young you’ve already made your choice and lived with the consequences.  The young people still have the decision to make, over and over.  You already know that smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your body.  I’m wasting your time and mine if I say another word about how unhealthy it is. We’re done with that.

Many people will try to convince you not to smoke.  Many of them will tell you that smoking is not cool.  These people are liars.  Smoking is most definitely cool.  OF COURSE it’s cool!  Why else would anyone do it?  Smoking cigarettes is the shortest shortcut to coolness that ever was, and this is why there are 42 million people (according to the first link I came to when I Googled it) smoking cigarettes in America today.  That’s why we all started smoking, and anyone who claims any other reason is lying to you.  I started smoking because a boy I liked was a smoker.  I wanted to be cool enough for him. That is, aside from a few details, every smoker’s story.  I quit once, but started again 6 months later because ANOTHER boy I liked was a smoker. Go figure.

Smoking is most definitely cool.  And now that we’ve had Mad Men, and people are “vaping”, smoking real cigarettes even has a whole, new retro-coolness.  Honestly, it’s no wonder so many people have fallen for it.

Now that we’ve established that, I’m going to tell you not to smoke.  You’ll either listen, or you won’t.  I hope you will.  If you don’t then it won’t be because I tried to bullshit you into thinking the Rat Pack (ask your grandmother) would have been cooler without the cigarettes.  This is the whole thing, in a nutshell: THERE ARE WAY BETTER WAYS TO BE COOL.  I already said that smoking is the shortest shortcut, and it is, but only because you pay the price later.  You’re buying your cool on credit, with high interest.  Be cool… absolutely… but for the love of everything good in this world, get a good bargain.

Here’s what I propose you do: start saving your cigarette money now.  Prices will vary, but you’re going to pay about 5 bucks a pack.  Let’s say you’re a pack-a-day non-smoker… put away 5 bucks a day.  In 6 month you will have 912 dollars.  This is a very nice sum of money, and with it you can buy one hell of a guitar.  Buy one.  The instant you take ownership you become cooler than you’ve ever been.  Now instead of saving your cigarette money, invest the time you would have spent earning 5 bucks a day, and spend that time practicing.  “I have no musical talent”, you say.  So what?  Most people who play guitar don’t have musical talent, and they’re all cooler than non-guitarists.  All you have to do is play better than all the people around you who DON’T play guitar, and that’s pretty easy.  “But won’t I be cooler if I play guitar AND smoke?”, you ask.  Well, yes, but you’re missing the point, and how cool do you think you need to be, anyway?  We’ve already had one Keith Richards, we don’t need another.

Does it have to be guitar?  Of course not.  It can be anything ridiculously cool.  Get a skateboard, and build a half-pipe in your backyard… that’s pretty damn cool.  Or lift weights, and get a 6-pack.  Learn martial arts.  Get your pilots license.  Buy a motorcycle.  When you start thinking in terms of things you could do with the resources you’d have to spend on smoking, there are some amazing things open to you.  Pick one of those.  Thank me later.

(or start smoking, and look forward to a future of saying really cool things like, “honey, would you reach over and turn off my oxygen so I can smoke a cigarette?”.  Your choice.)


19 thoughts on “Hey kids, smoking is cool!

      1. I’m not sure, but it’s honest and it’s real. The commercials they have featuring people who have lost limbs and have suffered other physical lost, are trying to scare them and, i my opinion, you can’t scare teenagers. The other point is that in 30 years, playing a guitar will still be cool, but your adult friends will want you to go away to smoke and they will mostly either feel sorry for you or think that your stupid.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Smoking is super cool, and every time I watch a movie where the cool people smoke, I still want a cigarette, so I vape my vape instead. I’m not as cool as I was, but there are benefits 😉
    In contrast, when I walk past a troop of really cool smokers, I gag on the smell of smoke, and then I think it’s so much cooler to vape.
    But honestly, one should never start smoking, ever. I started at 22, when I got my first classroom. Not even kiddin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love, love, love the smell of cigarette smoke. It annoys me that it’s so rare these days. I will follow a complete stranger across a parking lot if he’s smoking a cigarette.
      I got my first second-hand vape not long ago. It smelled like bubblegum! It took me a little while to figure out what that smell was, then I saw the girl puffing on something that looked like a big reggae joint, but plastic and pink. Rastafarian Barbie.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I like the smell of tobacco – but not cigarette smoke, but I guess if you are an x-smoker it would do that like other smells do to me. My son uses a vapor cigarette. It helps him with the oral fixation but he still smokes a little. He and his family are vacationing in Colorado right now, where you can buy pot in pot stores. He just texted me and said he just bought some pot that is to be used in a vapor cig and he got a kind that is called bubble gum. I haven’t smoked pot in quite a long time. It just started to put me to sleep. No fun – and to all of you out there that drink wine but are against pot – stuff it. I told him to send me a little – just for old times sake. It’ll still probably put me to sleep I’m sure, as I polish off a bag of Doritos!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. haha! I’m totally with you about the alcohol/pot thing. How can something as deadly as alcohol be legal, but smoking marijuana isn’t? On my mother’s death certificate, listed under “contributing factors” it says, “chronic alcohol use”. I don’t think pot shows up on many death certificates.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You are so right. There are still having a hard time coming up with negatives about pot. The only hazard I can think of is “driving while stupid” When I was young and smoked pot and tried to drive my car was not that I was driving dangerously because driving 30 MPH felt fast, but the main thing – 2 blocks away from my house I’d get lost or forgot where I was going!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I wish they would have had those when I quit. They had the early ecigs, but they were expensive and they sucked. Instead I did a nicotine patch/gum/losenge kinda thing that ended with a two year TicTac addiction. Whatever works, right?


  2. Damn good post. I smoked when i was real young. I know I thought I was cool. But then, the cost of a pack went up to 65 cents and there was no way I was going to put out that kind of money for a pack of cigarettes. I tried to smoke one other time when I was in my mid 30’s. Why? Because my 2nd husband smoked and if I smoked I couldn’t smell it on him so much. Then I thought, “This sure is stupid” It ripped up my throat. I couldn’t even smoke 6 cigarettes in a day because it made my throat so sore. So after telling myself how dumb I was being, I threw them away, and even divorced him. He wouldn’t quit. We didn’t divorce for that reason, but I was finally realizing that you can’t change another person and if you try you will kill your relationship. Then comes husband number 3. We’ve been together for 15 years now. Another smoker. 3 packs a day. The air in his apartment made my eyes burn. I never asked him to quit. Within a couple years he stopped smoking inside and now he is down to about 4 cigarettes a day – from 3 packs. He gave himself the incentive to do this because I didn’t hound him and congratulated him every time the amount went down. He’s proud of his accomplishment and so am I. He’s 67 and has been smoking for 55 years. It IS a big deal.

    Liked by 1 person

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